Do you have communication anxiety? Afraid to call your friends for fear of being a 'burden?'

I don’t know about you, but as a teen I would talk to my girlfriends for hours.

So much so, that my Dad put the family telephone in the porch (where there wasn’t any heating) in the hope that I would get off it!

Of course this tactic didn’t work and I spent many hours in my winter coat, scarf and gloves, wrapped up, crouched on the floor to prove him wrong. I have warm memories of talking to my closest friends about the latest crush, boys, gossiping about friends, slagging off teachers, hair, clothes whatever. We went through it all, for hours. With a fine toothcomb.

Back then, there was little to really worry about (although as self-obsessed 80’s teens it was our WORLD) and we just picked up the phone and talked, giggled. Looking back, it was pretty good food for my mental health. We didn’t worry if someone wasn’t emotionally available or plan the calls. We just picked up the phone and if someone answered they did or their mum did, or if no one answered, we knew we would catch up with each other pretty soon.

Then we grew up.

The rules all changed. The responsibilities of work, kids and ‘stuff to do’ all took over and our friendships changed and our availability within them. With texting e-mails and social media, we don’t know what is going on in our friends lives and the contact, (when it happens) can seem fleeting and ‘surface level’. We have the added worry of whether that person can talk or even wants to talk to us and this can cause a great deal of mental distress and anxiety.

I have seen this communication anxiety many times in my career coaching work, when we are job hunting, left without work or worrying about money and security. I speak with people who don’t reach out to their friends because they are worried they will be an inconvenience. That ease with which we used to communicate with friends has been wiped out with the bustle of life and the many ways we can communicate. I’m not immune to it either and the thought ‘will now be a good time to call?’ has crossed my mind with some friends on many an occasion. It spills into everything. How comfortable we feel picking up the phone to an actual person regarding a new job? Whether we should e-mail someone first?

What if they don’t reply? What could that mean?

I saw a post this week, where the writer suggested before reaching out to anyone for support or struggling (with whatever), you should always ask them if they are emotionally in the right place to talk. It got me thinking. If you know that a friend has issues with their mental health then sure, this sounds like a caring thing to do but surely we are all capable of communicating to our friends if now is a good time? Isn’t that what friends do? I get worried about the amount of people I meet that just “don’t want to be a burden.” They hide behind social media, telling everyone that life is perfect, when actually things are falling down fast and not going well at all. That feeling of ‘not wanting to be a burden’ saddens me. Isn’t it one of the joys of being human, to communicate with and support each other?

I’m concerned about this idea of being a burden.

I have met with many clients, who feel like this when life has taken a downward turn. They don’t want to be a burden.

Recently I have been going through some really difficult times of my own, (won’t BURDEN you with it now;)) but I would hate to think that a friend wouldn’t reach out to speak to me if they were going through troubles.

Even with my shedload of concerns and personal losses this past two years. A problem shared?

So what can we do?

A practical solution to communication anxiety? Agree on a communication method that works for both of you. This can be short term or long term.

For example, as a parent I have found texting impossible. If another mum wants to send me a huge paragraph of text and expects me to text back anything remotely conherant, while my two year old is clinging to my legs then forget it! Not to mention the fact that all toddlers HATE their mums being on the phone full-stop! It’s not that I don’t care, I just can’t talk and so I communicate this. I don’t expect the other person to be a mind reader and a quick call usually covers everything far quicker.

I guess sometimes THEY can’t talk on the phone, I understand that but communicating shared difficulties either end, often builds greater understanding. Why are we so afraid of that? Isn’t that what friendship is?

Friendships are harder to maintain when we are older but we all still need pals to get us through the hard times. If you have a friend who never makes you feel a burden, hold onto them.

And don’t stop communicating. It’s vital to human beings, for mental health and our emotional wellbeing.

Have you become more anxious about contacting friends for support? Do you suffer from communication anxiety? What tips do you have for reaching greater understanding with friends about how and when you communicate?